Sunday, September 24, 2006

The War at Home: Blow-by-blow account of TV that blows

I am watching "The War at Home." I want to see how bad TV can get.

The show starts with the father saying, "What?" And the audience laughs. Dumb audience laughs at what? I am guessing that the experimental CIA mind control gas is in beta-testing there.

The son has his father take him to a comic book convention. Wow, lotsa easy laughs coming right up!

Then the two kids in the hotel room stretch their voices into nerd. That joke is really tired. And they are wearing costumes? It might have worked if the costumes were more elaborate: these look like stuff from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

Whadda ya mean, kid, "ya can't go if you don't wear a costume?" MOST PEOPLE DON'T DRESS UP! Sure, some do. I go to comic cons, and most of the costumes look like the nerds put some work into them. Some guys actually fill out the Superman or Batman or Spider-Man costumes well. In fact, some chicks look pretty hot in their Power Girl / Supergirl / Wonder Woman costumes. And comic con costumers love having their picture taken. Woulda been a good gag. But the ignorant writers put NO CAMERAS in this show. The writers could have gotten a good gag with, for example, fans whose costumes do not fit the character; I will never forget the comic con where I saw a 350 pound Captain America running across a street. But these writers do not research. I bet this show is too cheap to show real comic book stuff cuz they would have to pay a few cents for the rights. The Simpsons would not cheap out! But these cheapo writers use "Zoltar." ("Fairly Odd Parents" made up The Crimson Chin, hired Jay Leno for the voice, and they mined gold with it!) I bet these writers got "Zoltar" off a shampoo bottle.

Look, trying to have the two kids act like geeks is not working. The writers have never been to a comic con. As Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said about horse races, their ignorance screams to the heavens. They can't write geek. In fact, they can't write, PERIOD!

Why is the mother saying about her daughter: "I want her to like me"? She should be a mom, not a teen. Not funny, not smart, just lazy writing.

The dad took a toy out of its box. I have never seen a more boring take on the NRFB * gag than this. Take a tip from the Joker: if you have to explain the joke, you don’t do it!


The kids missed Zoltar cuz daddy watched the football game (how original). Hey, the dad actually said "Captain America?" You mean they put in a real comic book reference, but not a real costume? Note: I have never been to a San Diego Comic Con without seeing Star Wars Storm Troopers and Klingons. How hard would that have been? And the set looks like it cost $1.95!

The kid sez, "you are a worse father than Darth Vader!" Sorry, The Simpsons coulda made that funny. Not these losers.

I am actually grateful for the commercial break.

Oh no, the show is about to start. Shoot me now.

You know, if the mom could bend over more in front of the camera, I could at least see her cleavage. I'd be entertained by SOMETHING.

OK, let me guess. The father is seeing Zoltar in the bathroom (at the urinal, ho ho!), and I am right, Zoltar is a jerk. Boy, I am so surprised. Now I bet the son will stand up for daddy when fans attack him. Yep, I am right again. Oh man, the kids says, "Haven't you ever been at a baseball game and yelled touchdown?" NOBODY IS THAT DUMB! NOBODY!!!! I am not a sports guy, I don't even like the concept of competitive sports (why does someone ALWAYS have to lose for ANYONE to win?!?!?!). I am a nerd. And I was never that dumb. But the writers of this show think I am. I notice that line did not get a laugh. I guess the CIA mind control gas ran out by then.

They bleeped out the father using the F word. Twice. The audience giggled. Not a sophisticated crowd here. Look, "Repo Man" knew how to use the F word, and you guys don't! Stop trying until you know what to do with it!

I have no idea why The War At Home was renewed. Maybe Rupert Murdoch likes the mother's cleavage.

* OK, I'll tell you. NRFB means Never Removed From Box. These writers are NRFH: Never Removed From Hollywood. Hack writing at its hackiest. Thank god "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" came on later. It is a rerun, but it is mending my brain nicely.

Hmm, was it a real audience, or only a laugh box? Either way, they needed more CIA mind control gas.

Friday, September 15, 2006

About the writer for the Fantastic Four Movies

I think that they are hiring the same writer (which is what counts the most for movie quality) for Fantastic Four 2 as for the first movie. Zak Penn. (That sounds like a name the studio made up to hide a stable of hack writers!)

Here is Zak Penn's track record on and my opinion of it.

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006): Only fair. Enjoyable due to the performances and the special effects, but the story did not feel as good as X-Men 1 and 2.

Fantastic Four (2005): Sucks and blows, he dissed Doctor Doom for no good reason whatsoever (making him an American yuppie was not an improvement), and what's with the 20-foot-high Jiffy-Pop lid?

Elektra (2005): Sucks, sucks, and a cute little girl to rescue does not add heart if the story sucks. Read the damn comic book, and take out the dumb CGI ninjas (bleh)! Electra is the world's most feared assassin who would make Hitler, Stalin, and bin Ladin wet their pants if they knew she was on their trail; she's not a CGI slicer. Saw it on Cousin Ben's TiVo, so I did not pay any $$$, and I still feel ripped off.

X2 (2003): X-Men 2. Pretty decent story. But he had help with this script. Maybe he only added a little suck.

Inspector Gadget (1999): Crummy. Dumbed down for little kids, with about 20 seconds of almost PG-13, half-assed, cutesy adult jokes, but no adult brains. Watched most of it on the Disney Channel. I said that considering the source cartoon, they had nowhere to go but up. Looks like they are afraid of heights.

Last Action Hero (1993): I liked it better than the critics. But without Arnold, it would have been lots worse.

Suspect Zero, Incident at Loch Ness, Behind Enemy Lines, PCU: did not see them. I am not rushing to Blockbuster.

My verdict is that FF 2, if this guy heads the script, will BLACK HOLE SUCK.