Doves creep me out.

I recently got a phone call from The Dove Foundation. The first words out of his mouth were about trying to get my help in cleaning up today's movies. Gives me a good idea of Dove's real motives. I decided to google Dove Foundation.

They don't write reviews. Instead, they write how each movie fits the "Dove Worldview." As in Kicking & Screaming: "It is Dove’s policy to not award any film with the Dove Seal if it contains a curse such as "go to hell" or "damn you" because those statements are cursing a person to hell. A movie can have a "what the hell" or "damn" and still be approved because those statements are not curses but are obscenities. "

So I say to Dove: thanks for the distinction. Now go to hell and damn you for calling me at home and blocking your phone number from my caller ID. That is breaking into my home and screaming in it. And you kept talking over me with your creepily moralistic voice when I tried to answer you. Not only are you an uninvited guest, you are a rude uninvited guest.

I admit that a lot of the stuff in the violence ratings is accurate. When a guy's, uh, organ gets ripped off, as in Brokeback Mountain, that is not kid-friendly. But is "Girl pushes girl off a pier" in Aquamarine really worth a rating?

Here are a few more Dove ratings on certain categories. Enjoy. Or squirm in fear. (My comments are in parenthesis.)

SEX

The Shaggy Dog. Kissing between husband and wife. (Really. Do you tell your kids about the stork?)
The Family Stone. Homosexual male couple adopt baby. (They should have stuck this one under a "homophobia" category, which they don't have yet but should.)
March of the Penguins: While the actual act is not shown, it is obvious by the music playing in the background that two penguins are going to consummate their relationship. (They gave this porno a Dove Seal anyway.)

OCCULT
(I am not kidding, that is something Dove thinks needs to be rated.)

Aquamarine. Girls jokingly pray to the gods of love and later to the god of hurricanes.
The Shaggy Dog. The Buddhist meditation in the beginning. (Kooky AND bigoted! Congrats!)
Miracle at Sage Creek. Indian singing over boy for healing. Nothing major. (This is not as scary as a Buddhist?)
Bloodrayne. Vampires vs. Humans with no mention of God or Satan. (I guess vampires can't be atheists. Or Buddhists.)
Wolf Creek. Talk of UFO's. (Wrong category. That belongs under "stupid".)
Hoodwinked. Goat has been cast with a spell so that he must sing everything he says. (Demonic karaoke! Hide the kids!)
Bewitched. Throughout the film spells are cast; witch makes things appear and disappear; witch runs time backwards; woman puts a "hex" on a man. (Is it in Deuteronomy where the reader is told to whack witches? As in Tony Soprano whack.)
King Kong. Ancient tribe dances and seem (sic) to be in voodoo-like trance. (Give them a break, it was not even hip-hop.)
Fantastic Four: References by villian (sic) of being a god. (Read
my review on my writing page. The comic book Doom is the one who can take on the devil, not this yuppie movie Doom.)
Monster-in-Law. There was use of Horescopes (sic again, would you please use a spelling and grammar checker?) and tarot cards towards the beginning of the movie.

(Dove missed a big occult rating for Because Of Winn-Dixie. The only way a dog can smile that massively creepy smile is through demonic possession.)

OTHER
(the category where they stick whatever they don't stick elsewhere)

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The film mocks religion through a zanny (sic, sic, sic!!!) "church service". There is talk about God and his mistakes. (OK, you explain malaria. I can't.)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Two effeminate men walk dogs; Loompas worship cocoa beans. (I told you they needed a "homophobia" category! Add the first one to that, and the second one to "occult". Dove, I offer my services as a tech writer to help you out, if you can meet my hourly rates.)

DAVE STROM'S RATING OF THE DOVE FOUNDATION

I will stick with Dove soap instead, since that will actually clean when used as directed.

I have nothing against rating a movie on kid-friendliness. That is a good idea. But Dove bases their ratings on their version of Christianity. Non-Christians have families also. Buddhists are not grown in test tubes.

P.S. I have seen a cleaned up version of the movie Repo Man, and replacing "fuck" with "flip" sucked 90 percent of the humor out of it. Mark Twain said it best: "Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it."

P.P.S. For those of you who say that Repo Man and its swearing-stuffed script is not steak, I quote Yukon Cornelius from Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer: "You eat what you like and I'll eat what I like!"